If you notice the warning signs of an eating disorder in a friend or family member, you may be hesitant to say anything out of fear that you’re mistaken, you’ll say the wrong thing, or you’ll alienate the person. But although it’s undeniably difficult to bring up such a delicate subject, don’t let these worries keep you from voicing valid concerns. Eating disorders will only get worse without treatment, and the physical and emotional damage can be severe.

Talking to a friend or family member about your concerns

When approaching a loved one about an eating disorder, it’s important to communicate your concerns in a loving and non-confrontational way. Pick a time when you can speak to the person in private, then explain why you’re concerned. Be careful to avoid critical or accusatory statements, as this will only bring out your friend’s or family member’s defenses. Instead, focus on the specific behaviors that worry you.

Tips for Talking about an Eating Disorder

Communicate your concerns. Share your memories of specific times when you felt concerned about the person’s eating or exercise behaviors. Explain that you think these things may indicate that there could be a problem that needs professional attention.

Avoid conflicts or a battle of the wills. If the person refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem, or any reason for you to be concerned, restate your feelings and the reasons for them and leave yourself open and available as a supportive listener.

Avoid placing shame, blame, or guilt on the person regarding their actions or attitudes. Do not use accusatory “you” statements like, “You just need to eat.” Or, “You are acting irresponsibly.” Instead, use “I” statements. For example: “I’m concerned about you because you refuse to eat breakfast or lunch.” Or, “It makes me afraid to hear you vomiting.”

Avoid giving simple solutions. For example, "If you'd just stop, then everything would be fine!" Don’t give up if the person shuts you out at first or reacts in anger or denial. The eating disorder is your loved one’s way of dealing with emotions that are too painful to face directly. It may take some time before your friend or family member is even willing to admit to having a problem. Lecturing, getting upset, or issuing ultimatums won’t help the situation. Instead, make it clear that you care about the person’s health and happiness and you’ll continue to be there for him or her.

Seeking professional help

Aside from offering support, the most important thing you can do for a person with an eating disorder is to encourage treatment. The longer an eating disorder remains undiagnosed and untreated, the harder it is on the body and the more difficult to overcome, so urge your loved one to see a doctor right away.

A doctor can assess your loved one’s symptoms, provide an accurate diagnosis, and screen for medical problems that might be involved. The doctor can also determine whether there are any co-existing conditions that require treatment, such as depression, substance abuse, or an anxiety disorder.

If your friend or family member is hesitant to see a doctor, ask him or her to get a physical just to put your worries to rest. It may help if you offer to make the appointment or go along on the first visit.